045: "st. clarity" by the paper kites / my birth story

Written By nins & arns

Nins bubbles over the tranquil sights and sounds of the song and music video "St. Clarity" by The Paper Kites. Arns pushes through the retelling of her birth story.

referenced in this episode:

  • I was an emo pop punk princess. My xanga name X Miss Bright Side. Suddenly, I'm very awake because holy [ __ ] I'm pretty sure my water just broke. I love when you do your hair like that. I want to cry. Oh, nah. Let's just move on. No, I can't. This is a crying podcast. Humor me. I'm already crying. I don't even know what you're about to say. I'm already crying. This is BRB crying.

    Hello everyone and welcome back to BRB crying. I'm Arns and I'm Nins. And listen, we're here to talk tears. Okay, plain and simple. That's what we got. Okay, straight to the point. Straight to the point. We are two best friends who love to talk and tell each other about what made them cry. Beautifully said. Succinct. Thank you. Uncharacteristically succinct. You think so? Listen, I don't know. I have my moments. I feel she says after 45 episodes of our long yap sessions, I'm pretty succinct. I don't know. Exactly. Yeah. Anyway, uh if you're new here, welcome. If you're old here, welcome back, cryb babies. Love to have you all. If you don't already follow us on socials, what are you doing atbycryingodcasts everywhere? Get on our email list. Check out our viral Tik Toks. Multiple. Did you hear that? Plural. Plural. Yes. Tik Tok is so fun. I have I have so much fun on there. God, I love just knowing that I have a [  ] ton of notifications because what we say on there is unhinged. We get all the likes, all the comments. You could be part of that crew. You could. It's really It's It's a good time over there. So, follow along and send us some Saab stories. If you have anything that made you cry, if you have any cry recommendations, and tell your friends and fam about us. Mhm. I know it's unusual for you to hear that at the beginning, but you'll see. You'll see once you hear our stories like, "Oh man, they're kind of they're kind of cool. They're a little cool. They're kind of funny. They're kind of funny. How do I join?" Yeah, that's you by the way. That was me mocking you. Um, but also while while I have your attention, I want to plug we have some events going on next month. So, follow us on socials and that's where we're going to be posting all this stuff. also on our email list. So excited to announce stay tuned. Stay tuned. How are you? You know what? I am hung over from a crash out. Oh, I didn't have a good day yesterday. A Did you not either? I It was weird. Vibe was weird. Energy was weird. I saw your I saw your Tik Tok. Oh, thanks. Um, yeah, it was weird and it was coincidence universe, I don't know. But yesterday, so yesterday from the day that we're recording this episode, we published our episode 43, um, where we did a throwback to my PMDDD story, and I coincidentally had the worst bout I'd had in like maybe three years. Oh, no. Did we attract that? Oh, no. I don't know. It was really bad. Oh, I'm sorry. And I just I felt it really bad yesterday and I just like couldn't get out of the loop. It was tough. Yeah. I just like [  ] curled up. Cried. Just thought like every negative thing I could think of like more, more, you know? Mhm. Just went to sleep. Woke up and I just feel like hung over, you know? But it doesn't seem like you have that sort of intensity as you did yesterday. No. Yeah. I I think the worst of it is is past. Okay. But I'm just like, whoa. You know, cuz it just like elicits things that you thought were gone or you thought were healed and then you're like, oh, actually, yeah. So, but here we are. You're you're here. Here I am. We're here. You know, we're doing it. Yeah. I'm sorry, dude. That sucks. [ __ ] it. You did say in your TikTok, I forgot. What did you say? Something like I don't know either. I just recorded like we're here to experience. It's true. Yes. A range of things on this earth.

    You know, God. Yeah. I Yes. Yes. Yeah. That's what I got. Cool. How about you? Also energy weird. And I don't I I also saw people talking about like astrology [  ] about like this date today in particular being like a big shift. And so if things are coming up in the days leading up to it, don't be surprised. So I was like, "All right, okay. Yeah, I'm I am going to call it that." Mhm. And I'm going to say that this is me still shedding all the things that I mean, yeah, it is hard when those things come up. You think that you're over it? Yeah. And you're like, wait, am I regressing, right? But listen, we're just we're here to [  ] we're here to feel it. We're here to be here. Mhm. And all you can do is like sit through it, right? What's the fun of having it all done and healed? Yeah. Boring. Yeah. The [  ] Yeah. Lame. Yeah. So, all right. Okay. Okay. Should we get into this? I guess so. Should we end this and move forward? Yeah. Okay. I guess. Let's [  ] do the thing. You look beautiful today, by the way. Really? Yeah. I love the hair. I love when you do your hair like that. I want to cry. Oh, nah. Let's just move on. What's

    I can't. This is a crying podcast. You can't deny yourself the tears. Just please humor me. Humor me. I'm already crying. I don't even know what you're about to say. I'm already crying. Just go for it. You know, I really did not feel beautiful yesterday, let me tell you. Like, I really was just like, "Yeah, like every worst thought, you know?" Mhm. Shut up.

    Thank you. You're welcome. Appreciate that. Yeah. Whoa. Listen, guys, if this is your first time tuning in, here's a little taste. [ __ ] buckle in, bro.

    This one is pretty light today, actually. Okay. How many times have you started a segment off like that and No, I mean I've had some [ __ ] up ones though, so I am not thinking that this is going to be too much. Okay, so I know you and I joke all the time that we are the same person. Mhm. And it's true. Very, very similar lives, but there is one difference that I clocked back when you and I were in middle school. Well, before you said middle school, I was going to say, "Oh, you have a cat." And I've never had a cat. You've been thinking about getting a cat, bro. You've been sending me. That is rentree in your head. I've been thinking. Yeah, guys. She wants a cat. Keep sending her cat vids. It'll slowly convince her. Okay. You were tall. I was just going to say, yeah, I was like, "Oh, man. She's going to pull of the fact that I was like 6'1 in middle school." You were. You were 6'1 and I was 3 ft. It was crazy. It's like a head taller than everyone. But but but everyone caught up. I'm like 53 now. Okay. In my mind, in my mind, you're still huge. You're still huge. We're like the same height, but Okay. But that wasn't what I was going to clock. All right. And that was that even though we sported matching Abberrombie track jackets and alternating pink and blue braces.

    We had very different music tastes. Oh, yes. You were listening to Slow Jams. Slow Jams with a Z. Urcher. Alicia Keys. Yes. Yep. Yep. What else did you have on your on your uh iPod shuffle? Any R&B9s 2000s? Yes. Me, however, I was an emo pop punk princess. My my Zenga name back in the day was X Miss Bright Side. I was going to say Mr. Bright Side is what I think of when I think of your music taste in middle school. That's what I think of you. That was me, Miss Bright Side. You were that. Yeah. Thank you. Loved um loved popping in an emo indie CD into my Walkman or Stereo Player and rocking out to the likes of Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard, Confessional, Something Corporate. These are all rock bands. I've never heard of Something Corporate. I have heard of the others. Okay. I couldn't tell you any songs, but if I heard it, I'd know it. Okay. No, but I was just like really indie and cool. So like you wouldn't have heard of something corporate. Absolutely not. But yeah, your girl loves some indie rock. Okay. Any opportunity for me to feel like I am the main character of a movie wisfully looking out the window of a moving train while like a deeply emotional and pensive song plays in the background. Mhm. I'm going to take that opportunity. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? I am the main character. Mhm. I owe a lot to early 2000's emo music. Anyone who has ever experienced puberty and adolescence knows how intensely we feel when we're that age. And having this music to really allow myself to sink into it was like one of my first wakeup calls into embracing my emotions. Shout the [ __ ] out. Emo is short for what? I don't actually know, but I think guessing emotional I could deduce. Let us know in the comments.

    Okay. I carry my love for this genre of music with me to this day. And over the years, I've collected some fireflame bangers, some slaps, if you will. Wow. Can I say that? Sure. Can I say like as a Bay Area native, can I say like You could say whatever you want. Okay. Feels sacrilegious. Anyway, today I will be covering a song that I added to my Spotify starred list back in 2013 when it first came out. meaning that I've been listening to it on and off for 13 years now. But it wasn't until last week that I decided to watch the music video for it and found myself experiencing the song in a whole new light. Hm. So, let's dive into the 2013 song Saint Clarity by the Paper Kites and music video for said song directed by Natasha Pinkis and starring Silon Latu. Sources for today, an article by The Wayback Machine by Amy Theodore. An article by KRUI FM radio station by Alex Restrepo. an interview with David Pace for Timber and Steel WordPress and a YouTube video from the paper kites band YouTube the making of St. Clarity. Okay, context up front. Paper kites. This band was formed in 2009 by two high school friends in Melbourne, Australia. Wow. What the [  ] did I form in high school? Wait, were they in high school when they formed it? Mhm. I mean, like I think unofficially that they were like starting to create music together in high school. What the [  ] did we do in high school? We sang churches. You know what? Don't knock the [ __ ] harmonies. All right. Okay. Lead vocalist and guitarist Sam Bentley and keyboardist guitarist Christina Lacy started making music together as teens and after graduating high school started slowly gaining some notoriety in their hometown of Melbourne by performing at local shows. Then after getting invited to play a set at a music festival they invited three more of the homies from high school. Sam Rasmusen, David Pace, and Josh Bentley to join them. And they've officially became a band of five. Their sound is very indie folksy. Okay, so just imagine closing your eyes for a second. The vibe is lots of flannel, maybe a steaming ceramic mug of coffee in your hands while sitting on a log at the edge of a forest. It's It's overcast early morning. It's that sweet solitude of you being the only one awake. There's like pine. I don't know. It's just, you know, love it. That's the vibe. I smelled the pie. That was so crazy. Like, I smelled it. peaceful, almost delightfully lazy melodies with fingerpicking guitar and banjos playing in the background. It's really warm, really comforting. I often find myself craving their music when I just want a moment to calm down and exhale. I know I mentioned that my story today is about their song St. Clarity, but I really can't talk about the Paper Kites without mentioning their most famous song called Bloom, which they released in 2010. So, I'm just going to play a quick snippet for you, Arns, because this was the first song I had ever heard from them, and I instantly fell in love. It's such a distinct dreamy sound that I think really sets the stage for what kind of band this is. So, let me just quickly play a little bit for you.

    I I knew it as soon as I heard the music, like before I even heard the singing, but then I was like, there's no way I know this song. But then it started then it was like, oh, I do actually. You guys, she's an indie girly. I'm cultured. Yeah. Isn't it just like so magical? I love it. It's just beautiful. Mhm. So once they released this song, Bloom, the band gradually started gaining media attention. One of the band members, Josh Bentley, said it was a pretty steady progression of word of mouth, friends telling their friends, and so on. It wasn't any sort of viral thing. It was a really natural buildup of people sharing our music. And I think that's so in line with their style, right? It's not flashy or disruptive or forceful. It's just steady, calm, and peaceful. Okay, so St. Clarity, this was a single off of their 2013 debut album called States. vibe of the song very much in line with what you had just heard. But I would say that where Bloom has this sound that's really tranquil and light, St. Clarity has a much more pensive glooiness to it, but there's still that overtone of hope and wonder. Frontman Sam Bentley was quoted saying, "At its heart, the song is about the beauty of finding clarity in a situation, seeing things from a perspective that's clear, from an angle you haven't seen before. So, let me go ahead and play this music video for St. Clarity by the Paper Kites, which was again directed by Natasha Pinkinis and starring Silon Latu.

    So, just played that music video for Arn. I highly, highly recommend you checking out the link in our show description, watching it for yourself before we dive in. But just in case you're on that freeway, can't necessarily reach for your phone and look at a screen for three and a half minutes, here's what you'll see. Music video opens up to the shot of a city. It's beautiful, not a cloud in the sky. But what is gently floating through the air is a little bubble. So we watch as it floats along past skyscrapers and bridges, over roads and factories until eventually we watch as it trapes us into an abandoned building. There's graffiti on the walls, damaged brick, and broken wooden beams. And this little bubble glides on through until it finds its way to a small corner of this building where a man in a sleeping bag is waking up. This man, we can deduce, is homeless, clearly squatting in this space. But he sees the bubble and immediately sits up and outstretches his hand as it lands in his palm. The bubble pops and the man kind of just sits there in wonder like what the [  ] was that? He gets up. He looks around the building trying to make sense of where this bubble came from, who blew it, and why? But he knows there's no answer. It's a mystery. So, the man pivots and decides instead of chasing down the origins of this mysterious bubble, maybe instead he can find a way to just make more. He heads into town, walks into a shop, and finds a bottle of bubbles in a store. He takes out the wand, blows a few bubbles, feels the soapy water in between his fingers, and for once kind of just has fun with it, but he knows he can't walk out of the store with it. You know, the whole like money and like paying for stuff and like what a pain. It's a challenge. But this doesn't stop him. He gets scrappy. He digs through the trash trying to find some supplies. He goes into a public restroom and collects some soap from the dispenser. My guy is now an engineer. Okay. Yep. He brings back all of this equipment to the abandoned building, some wooden sticks, some rope, and a big jar of soapy water, and gets to work. And then you see as he builds this huge [  ] contraption, just knew how to do it, and blows thousands of bubbles into this abandoned building and just watches them float through the air. Then he goes outside and he drags this engineering marvel, sir, let's copyright this, through the wind and it creates this huge, huge mega bubble. and he's like, "Oh [ __ ] oh shit." And the video ends with this huge bubble floating up into the air and him watching in awe from below. And that leads us to the opening lyrics of this song. Well, it's how I see you when I see you from below. And I feel no other sights or sounds of things I know. Only a glow. Only a glow.

    This song and this music video serve a pretty obvious metaphor for those quiet moments that sneak up on us and completely change the way we see the world. We have no idea where this man has been, what his life was like that led him here. But we can imagine that up until that morning, he'd been somewhat on autopilot, spending his days feeling invisible, feeling forgotten. And then all of a sudden, this tiny little bubble floats into his orbit. And it's like he wakes up reinvigorated by this one small moment where he feels just an ounce of joy and it changes him. He gets up with this new purpose trying to find and create just a little bit more of this joy for himself instead of letting it float right past him. It makes me think about all the times in my own life where people have done or said something to me that has woken me up from my own stuper and inspired me to look at the world differently. My mom openly crying while watching a sentimental scene in a movie and how that's allowed me to feel safe to express my own feelings. two friends named Karen and Georgia starting a true crime comedy podcast and planting the idea in my mind that maybe I could do something similar one day. Even a random influencer on Tik Tok teaching me about which color palette looks best on my natural features. All of these exchanges with people completely unaware that they've allowed me to feel more whole, more inspired, more beautiful. But it doesn't stop there. It doesn't stop with how I have been changed. Because I'm sure without me even realizing it, I have been this for someone else, someone else's bubble. We all have you ars living so authentically and embracing this new found version of yourself posting your thoughts online with a bravery and confidence I in the three decades we've known each other have never seen you showcase until now and inspiring the people around you to do the same. We walk around this world being changed every day by people who don't even realize it. We don't know where this bubble came from or why. We don't know how it found its way to this man in this house. And it really doesn't matter because we're just grateful that it did. Just like the lines of the refrain say, "I don't know you, but I know what you do. I don't know you, but I know what you do.

    I want to end this story today with a fun fact about the making of this music video. In the behind thescenes video uploaded to the paper kites YouTube, the director Natasha Pinkinis talks about scouting the perfect location, practicing making the bubbles. And then when it finally came to shooting, all these bubbles that Silon that the actor was making, floated out into the city. And Natasha says, "It was so much fun seeing people watching the bubbles in the street when we were doing it." It sort of was like a flash bubble, like a flash m bubbling. We just broke into different areas and Savon did his bubbles and you just got that feeling. Everyone, I think, shared that feeling at that moment that the world was all right and that everything was going to be okay. When we inevitably forget that message of hope, may this life of ours be filled with unexpected bubbles. Some drifting toward us by chance and others born from our own breath.

    Thank you for that. That was well I will say thank you for also sharing the lyrics with me because I don't know that song and so you know me like I can't look I can't watch and also listen at the same time I don't know what what was said in that song. You know what though? I've been listening to the song for 13 years. I didn't [  ] know. Okay. Like the vibe, you know? Okay. Okay. Yeah. Never thought to be like what is this song mean? until you're forced to write a story every two weeks. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I love what you were saying about how yes, other people being that bubble for you, other things in your life happening that spark that in you and then you not knowing when you do that for someone else. And I feel like that's why it's it feels so important to me that everyone just be themselves and share themselves because you don't know you don't know even just like one person. Mhm. Hearing you and being affected by like I I think about your examples of little things that have happened in your life where it's fundamentally changed you. I mean, even like literally your example of like a Tik Tok, I I see these like random parenting Tik Toks and like I can't tell you who it was when it happened years and years ago before I even conceived of having a child like even thought about it and it stuck with me and I remember thinking like that is the kind of parent I want to be and it's like what like if that person never thought to share the entire course of my life and how my how a parent was affected by that one person doing that one thing that one time and that person is living their life. No [  ] clue how much it's impacted you. No, it's just so miraculous. It is to think about when you realize like, wow, there's so many people that have changed me that you don't even know it and then you stop and think, whoa, who have I changed? I feel like bubbles are also the perfect metaphor. Is it a metaphor? I They're just so be incredible. that video. What the [ __ ] My dude making a huge bubble. Also good to know it was real. I was like, is this this can't be real. Like this is too too good to be true. Like it's I mean it's so magical, so playful. Like what a and so full of like wonder. Yes. I loved those shots of Silon, the actor, like looking up like, "Oh my god, look what I made." And he just lets it go, right? And who knows like who else is going to see that bubble and feel as moved as he did, you know? Like it's just it's like a cycle. It's just so cool to think about and just remember that we're all connected. It really is a cycle. And when someone like does that for you, like watching him feel inspired to do the same thing, it's like that chain reaction, right? Like I'm going to keep making this magic. Yeah. Right. Oh my god. I love that. Yeah. Wow. Had I not spiraled, I probably would have gone to the store and ended it with a little. But alas, alas, maybe next time. It wouldn't have been as big as his bubbles, let me tell you. I might have been underwhelmed. Okay. I don't think you heard the point of my story.

    Yeah. Paper kites, everyone. They just released another album in January of 2026. Cool. They're still [  ] doing it and it's really cute. I like in passing I was in my research Christina Lacy, one of the one of the band members was talking about how like how different it is to go on tour now because like they all have kids. Like they're all like in this different stage of their life, but it's just something that they felt called to do. That's really cool. Yeah. Dang. Still doing it. Still [  ] doing it, you know. Wow. H paper kites. Everyone the biggest fan. Yeah. She day one. Day one.

    All right. Hit me. Okay. Pivot. Um I think so. Yeah, it's a it's a it's a pivot. It is a way. You'll find a way. Yeah, you'll find a way. Okay. I have to apologize in advance because last week when I hung out with you, I told you, "Oh yeah, my story is going to be like very casual. I'm going to like I don't know if you remember this conversation." I do. I I think the words you said were, "Yeah, I'm going to talk about something that just like happened to make me cry." And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." In retrospect, yes, that's everything. Um, that is our podcast. But, uh, I had to throw it all out the window. love that because at the time of this recording, you know this, it is the day before my child's third birthday. So, you can imagine, you saw me working on that [  ] poster board. It's all I've been thinking about. Jello cups, birthday, you know, all the things. Mhm. Mhm. And SA's birthday every year. Going down that rabbit hole of photos. Thank you, Apple Photos, for reminding me what happened on this day in three years ago. It's kind of scary how they like can recognize when it's like fresh out the womb. Oh yeah, this is this is Sana. Yeah. And like I'm like, how do you know my niece when she's like a day old? I literally type in Sana Bukat. I mean from the beginning. And I'm like um what do you mean you know who that is? Right. That baby. I don't even know who that is. But after crying in bed at 6:00 a.m. every morning while scrolling through these photos, it only felt right for me to share something I've been meaning to share since we started this podcast, which is my birth story. Speaking of fresh reenactment, uh, yeah, a reenactment. Yes. You will play the part of Sauna. I will be me. You're really good at those cry sounds. Yeah. Yeah. Get a little limber. Yeah. Yeah. stretch a little. You You're going to need to um I I want to preface this by saying I know how sensitive of a topic pregnancy, motherhood, childirth is for people and this story contains very detailed descriptions of child birth. So if you're listening and that is a sensitive topic for you, please take care. And I also want to acknowledge that being able to shoot how I gave birth, huge privilege. And how I gave birth is also my preference. This is not me. you know, saying different forms of delivery are better than others. Also, I'm not a medical professional. Nothing I share on here should be taken as medical advice. So, if you have any questions, please consult with your doctor. For the love of God, just like don't cancel us, please. Okay? Like, how many covering my ass? Anything I forgot, you know, I meant it. God. Okay. God. God, please. Okay. So, kuka context, you know, I can't just dive into the birth. We got to talk about the pregnancy. Are you gonna talk about how you got pregnant? So, getting pregnant journey in and of itself, it took less than a year, but every month I didn't get pregnant. Torturous. I also spent so much time obsessing over getting pregnant that by the time I was actually pregnant, I was like, "Wait, what?" Like, "What do I do?" Cuz I my mind wasn't even there yet. So, this is a story for another day, but as beautiful as a journey pregnancy was, it was excruciating for me. First trimester nausea, not the kind where you actually throw up, but where you're on the precipice of throwing up and you can't. So, it's just an unfulfilled nausea. Do you know what I mean? Uh, you don't Yeah. Yeah. Fair. Uh, second trimester, I had symphysis pubic dysfunction. There were days I couldn't walk. also emotional toll. You know how the media always depicts, oh, pregnant women are so crazy. That was actually that was me. I didn't want to be I didn't want to be that. But I overnight became a jealous high school girlfriend. Like that's how I felt. Really? It was crazy. Yeah. Like specifically to Jar. Um Yeah. I think it was Yeah. Yeah. I'm not That's not in the story. I'm not going to get into it. Yeah. But yes. Yes. Uh, I also had borderline gestational diabetes. So, I had to prick my finger five times a day, manage my blood sugar. I couldn't eat all the things like all the pregnant women like how they shows, oh, I get to eat whatever. No, that wasn't me. And also, at the end of my third trimester, the worst heartburn, perpetually congested, could not sleep lying flat. Had to be elevated. I was also high risk. I did weekly stress tests towards the end and uh monthly ultrasounds. And ultrasounds are like, "Oh, cute." You know, you get to see the so painful. I have two massive fibroids. So, I would turn my face away in pain crying every single time I did an ultrasound. It was really, really hard. All this to say, your girl was ready for this baby to come out. It had gotten to the point where I was starting to drink raspberry leaf tea, which is an herbal remedy for trying to like induce yourself naturally. So, I started doing that. Um, but also from the beginning, I always knew I was going to have my baby a little bit before my due date. I just had this feeling. So, the countdown, tminus 3 days before, me and Joy are celebrating our 16-year dating anniversary. We go to a little Hawaiian restaurant. Shout out Hula Hoops. Have you ever been there? Daily City. I don't think so. It's fire. Okay. It's really good. Sponsor us. Sponsor us. Uh, we happened to be seated at the bar next to Jar's old coworker has not seen in years. He's very drunk. At one point this man asked me, "So, who's taking care of the baby?" And I'm like, and he's like, "Who's taking care of the baby?" And I was like, "Sir, I'm 9 months pregnant." Like, it was it was crazy crazy interaction. And that was our entire our entire dinner. Like he didn't know you were pregnant. I guess not. He was Yeah, it was weird. Weird vibes. That was our day. Yeah, it was weird. He doesn't have to sponsor us. Yeah, he doesn't have to. Yeah. So, that was 3 days before. Two days before my last day of work before maternity leave. We celebrate by getting hot pot with friends. Shout out Capot. You were there, was I? Yes. 2 days before I gave birth. That was two days before two [  ] days. I ended work 2 days before I gave birth. Yes. Oh yeah. Wow. That was the vibe. 2 days before. Okay. 24 hours before we hang out with a friend visiting from SoCal. Shout out Darren. I get my favorite non-caffeinated boba. Shout out Sunright. Sponsor us. Oreo brulee boba milk tea. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, no. Sorry. Boba milk. Not the tea. Boba milk. Okay. Joy and I finish up a show we're watching on Netflix. It's called Shadow and Bone. It's like young adult fantasy novel. It's basically It's not a comedy, but Jomar is mocking one of the characters and I'm laughing. So, you know, like one of those laughs where you can't breathe, you're crying. I'm laughing so hard. And we're like, can you imagine if I go into labor because I'm laughing so hard because this is crazy things are happening right now while I'm laughing. Wouldn't that be funny? We go to sleep. Sunday morning. I am 38 weeks pregnant. Exactly. It's 3:00 a.m. I get up and go to the bathroom as pregnant women do multiple times a night. Have asleep. I sit down to pee. I finish peeing. But wait, why is there still so much liquid gushing out of me? Suddenly, I'm very awake because holy [  ] I'm pretty sure my water just broke. Okay. So, I text my doula, who, to her credit, answers me immediately. Tells me, "Start timing your contractions." She also mentions she can't be there due to lack of child care because it's 3:00 a.m. So, she is sending a backup dulla in herstead. She tells me to wait until my contractions are about 4 minutes apart and my pain level is an 8 out of 10 to go to the hospital. Meanwhile, Joy holding up different outfits to his body in the mirror saying, "What should I wear to meet my daughter?" Love it. Actually, no. Let me retract. Hate it. You think that, but at the same time, I am so grateful that this is his reaction because the nurse in him, it's like it's on activated. He's calm, cool, collected. No panic to be seen. Okay, so grab our things. We drive over to my sister's apartment, which is across the street from the hospital. Meanwhile, the fluids are still flowing. You know how in the movies they show like, "Oh, the water broke fluids and then it's over like huge gush." It just kept going. I brought one pair of pants with me and that [  ] was [  ] soaked through. So, ew. Yeah, I was [  ] I was like, "Well, I guess I'm just going to have only this wet pair of pants." What are you supposed to do? Great question. You know, I guess bring multiple pairs of pants. Write it in the comments, y'all. Hot tip. So, we're at my sister's apartment. The contractions starting to get more intense, but remember, in addition to the 4 minutes apart, I'm waiting to feel a pain level of 8 out of 10. What's an 8 out of 10? I don't know, right? But I figure, you know, I get to the point where I can't stand upright. My eyes are closed and I can't continue a conversation because the pain is is just so intense. I'm like, I think we're at an eight. So, we go to the hospital. By the way, we're walking to the hospital. You know how those hospitals have like those driveways? So, walking to the driveway, we are stopped by multiple people asking if I'm okay because like I'm lit like I'm checking in at the front desk. like my head I put my head down like on the desk like I can't even I'm not I can hardly stay upright. We're walking to the labor and delivery unit. I am having to pause and like brace myself against the wall and like it's just it's I'm hardly making it in. But we do it. We get in that room. They measure me. Your girl's 5 cm dilated. You're halfway through. Halfway through. Okay. So they settle me in my room. Maybe it's like 8 or 9 a.m. at this point. Backup doula shows up. Turns out she's the doula that I originally wanted to book, but she didn't have availability when I was looking through her calendar, so I didn't even bother reaching out to her. But she was here. She was the one. She was the one. Hey, Juliana. And thank God she's here because I got my birth plan ready, you know. And my number one thing, I do not want to labor on my back. Put me on a yoga ball. Put me on all fours. Like on my hands and knees. Put me on my side. Let me squat, but not on my back. I've just It's never made sense to me that all the other mammals give birth on all fours. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I just like I love lying down so I like I don't want to be up. I Yeah. Fair, fair, fair. Uh I thought I was going to have to fight like tooth and nail for them to let me do this. I was like spo I was like I'm gonna fight for this. They were like, "Yeah, sure. Okay. I was like, "Okay." Mhm. And pretty early on, they ask me if I want an epidural. And I'm not opposed to it, but the morbidly curious side of me is like, I kind of want to know how it feels. Mhm. I kind of want to know how bad it is. So, I'm like, "Ask me later. Ask me later." Okay. Couple hours later, have you decided if you want the epidural? because this is your last chance. Your window of opportunity is closing. You have to decide now. And I'm like, okay, well, like, how much worse is the pain going to get. And they're like, the pain is pretty much the same. It's just that the contractions become more frequent and they last longer. And again, maybe it's maybe it's morbid curiosity, but I also feel this kind of primal strength awakening in me. And ultimately, I'm like, you know what? No, I don't need this. I I was built for this. I can do this. Okay. And I want to shout out my doula here because at this point I have a 10ens unit on which is like this little electromagnetic current thing where you put the patches on your back and it sends these electric currents to your skin whenever you press the button and it's supposed to help manage the pain. But she also reminds me of this technique that my original doula also taught me which is the double hip squeeze. Have you ever heard of this? No. Okay. It's not in my algo. Yeah. You know what? Same. The thing is, you would have thought it would have come up on mine. Never did. Never heard of it until my doula told me about it. Basically, once the baby is lower in your pelvis, every time you're going through a contraction, you have someone squeeze as hard as they can on either side of your hips and it creates a counter pressure and it helps kind of like loosen you up a little bit. So my doula and Jomi were taking turns every time I had a contraction, like squeezing me. And Jo was like, I feel like I'm going to break her hips. And they're like, no, no, no. She's fine. She's fine. And so I genuinely feel like this is what made it manageable for me. Without having the epidural, okay, so shout the [  ] out. Shut the [  ] out. Double hip squeeze. Shut the [  ] out, doulas. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am roaring in pain. They tell me later on after this is all over that the nurse I mean everyone can hear me in the whole [  ] unit. The nurses in the break room are always like, "Hey, how's how's how's she doing?" Like, "Is the baby out? Yeah, is the baby out?" Yeah. They're like cheering me on and I was like, "Wow." Yeah. Yeah. So, also I'm literally I'm [  ] all over the bed. Okay. Joy, no longer expectant father. He again, medical professional activated. He doula nurses taking turns wiping the [  ] M. And I don't give a [  ] Like I I I think at one point in between contractions, I'm like joking about it. I'm like, guys, I'm really sorry. I I know I'm [  ] [  ] this bed right now, but the thing is, no one told me this, but in between contractions, you're tired, but you feel [  ] like normal, like clear head, you know? It's like I'm just a day. So, but yeah, I'm I'm laboring in different positions. I'm I'm on the yoga ball. I do all fours. I'm on my side. But at some point I get this feeling of like I I feel like I can't keep it in any longer. I feel like I have to push and they check how low the baby is and they tell me she's technically low enough to push. So we can start pushing. It's like 12 12:00 at this point. But if there is one thing in this entire experience that I wish I could do differently, I wish I would have waited to push until the baby was lower. Okay? Because I ended up pushing for 2 hours and I had like secondderee tears, meaning months before I could sit properly without feeling pain. But alas, they let me do it. I settle down in a squat and they set up a squatting bar at the foot of the bed and my arms are kind of just like hanging over it and every time I feel a contraction come on I'm like hoisted upwards leaning over it and then I then I kind of fall back. I sit back down after the contraction passes. But this bar is basically meant to hold my weight for the duration of the contractions. And it gets to the point where it's just mostly contractions. It's like the rest bit in between is like it's so so few and far between that I get a break. It's just like contraction after contraction. It's like it starts to feel impossible. At one point I tell Joy, "This [ __ ] baby's never coming out. She's never coming out. She's stuck in here. She's not coming out." Cuz that's genuinely like that's how I felt in the moment. I was like, "This is I can't do this. Is impossible." And it's just like wave after wave of pain and everyone everything around me everything is like starting to blend together. Like I I'm hearing people say things but I'm not really like understanding it. And all I can do is just scream and breathe and feel feel it all. And at one point I'm like I'm not human. I am something else entirely. I am a goddess. I am this vortex of pure energy. And I can move I can move mountains. And finally, finally at 2:19 p.m. after 11 hours of labor, I am a mother collapsed on my back, a newborn baby in my arms. And I thought I would be a mess of tears. You know how you always see people crying as they hold their newborn baby. That was not me. I was just so relieved that it was over. I was also probably very much in shock from the pain. But when I look back on these photos, the tears always find me without fail. Because to carry and birth a child, there are few things as miraculous to me as this. I look back on these photos and I feel so many things for that version of me. I want to hug her and tell her what a wonderful job she did, how she's okay now, how proud I am of her. I want to ease the worry off her face. I want to smooth her brow and whisper in her ear, "You are incredible." I want to tell her, "Yes, you gave birth to this beautiful, perfect child, and you also birthed a new you into this world." I imagine Sana one day asking me why did you why did you choose to do that even if it put you in so much pain like why did you choose that and I imagine telling her because I wanted to feel it all I wanted to show myself that even when it seems like I can't go on I always can I know not everyone has or will experience child birth and again I recognize that choosing How I got to give birth was a massive privilege. Many people don't get that choice. But regardless, that superhuman strength lies in all of us. It might not be as dramatic as an unmedicated vaginal delivery, but we all know what it's like to give and give and give of yourself to something and to realize I am so much more capable than I thought. I really was built to do hard things because as wonderful as it would be to have an easy life, we came here to have this full experience, right? We came here to have all of that complexity and those emotions and that messiness. To feel it all is the furthest thing from easy. But we can do hard things. We are built for them. If you're listening and if there's anything that you've given your all to, given your thousand% to, I hope you take the time to look back and marvel at yourself and say, "Wow, I I really did that." Because every time you show yourself what you're capable of, you were the new you, too.

    the [  ] you want me to say? You can say whatever the [  ] you want to say. Happy birthday, Sauna. Happy birthday, babe. Um, I had therapy yesterday and I was telling my therapist how the thing I love about this podcast is it's not about being right. M it's about genuinely just sharing how we feel about something and how healing that is to be able to like share your story and be like this is my story like no one can tell me Mhm. it was right or wrong. Yeah. Because it was mine. Yeah. But I feel like at their course they are right because they're just the truth. Yeah. M you know I always get really sentimental when the people I love celebrate their child's first birthdays because it's such an honor to watch these people like yes they're so excited to celebrate the first year of their baby's life but for me I always think about wow this is a whole year of this new you and I always make it a point to tell these people like congratulate like you made it a whole year and I know it's Sana's birthday Sana we love you but it was your day as much as it was hers and I love how you said that it was birthing her but also a new version of yourself maybe it's not new maybe it's just always been in you you've been growing her your whole Yeah. Yeah. Your little bubble. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I was like, "It's my child's birthday. Should I talk more about my child?" And then I was like, "No,

    because for that exact reason." Yeah. This is my birth story, right? This is me giving birth to her. And so I I actually don't think we celebrate mothers enough on child's birthdays cuz right there's nothing like it. Yeah, exactly. And um I also appreciate the sensitivity that you placed on sharing your story because I know it's a it can be a tough topic for a lot of people who desperately want to experience this altering experience that you had. But I think at the core what you're saying is that sometimes when things are [  ] crazy, you just find the strength within you to get through it. And I think that's something that we can all relate to. We doubt ourselves. We think surely there's no [  ] way I can until you're faced with it and it just happens. Yeah. And then you do it and you're like, I guess it was in me all along. Mhm. Shout out. Shout out moms birthing children. Who else have we got? Um, doulas. We got the nurses in the breakroom. We got Jar. What shirt did he pick? I don't give a [  ] It was my [  ] day. I was actually going to ask you. I don't know if you've ever seen photos of me giving birth. I think Yeah, I did. Oh, okay. I'm pretty sure Jar cuz like when you were describing the bar, I remember seeing a picture of you. You want to see like Oh yeah. You want to see it? Let's [  ] go. Are you going to put this in the IG post? What I'm going to do is I'm going to put it and I'm going to I'm going to blur out everything except my face and and the [  ] on the table or So this is Okay. So this is probably what you saw. Me? Yes. Yes. Very PG. Okay. Me in a bar. Sure. Um, okay. My eyes are closed in all these photos. Like I'm like I remember seeing some of these. You can see her arms are lit. Like she's [  ] ready. She's ready to catch ready to catch the baby. This one has blood. How do you feel about Yeah. [  ] it. Go ahead. Okay. Also, I'm completely naked here, but do you want to see it? Yeah. Okay. You can see her legs are lit. Like they literally just lifted her out of You can see her feet literally just came out of me and they just Oh my god. Yeah, they're putting her on me. It's like straight straight on me. Yeah. And like I look like I'm crying, but I'm actually I'm not. There were no tears. I was just like, "Oh my god, it's done. It's done." So Jar went with a white shirt. Yeah. Gotcha. I guess he did. Gotcha. Yeah. So Well, shout out. Shout the [  ] out. Proud of you. Thanks. Three years. Three years just gets better and better. I do. I do think so. I really do think so, too. Yeah. [  ] All right. Can you connect them or not? Yeah. You gave birth to a little bubble. Okay. There you go. Changed your world. Changed my world. Yes. Birth. Child. Child birth. Yes. Mhm. Bubbles and babies. Sick. That's our episode title. Actually, no. We don't do that anymore. We don't do that anymore. We're Because we have to be like SEO and algorithms. Yeah. That's fine though. I I I do agree. It's probably more helpful to see other topics. True. True. True. But that would have been cute title. Yeah. Bubbles and babies. Bubbles and babies. Bubbles and babies. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Well, there we go. There you have it. Did you enjoy Did you Did you [ __ ] on the table? That's okay. We don't judge. We're locked in. I literally just showed her a picture of my cooch like so. Post it. Post it. Yeah. Yeah. Me chanting to myself. Post it. All right. Well, there is our show. There's our show. There's our show.

    You like that? Hope you enjoyed. Hope you give us all the um affirmation and engagement, all the shares, all the likes, all the comments. Mhm. And uh I guess that's [  ] it. I guess that's [  ] it. We're going to come back in 14 days. Mhm. Just you wait. Just you wait. But until then, beer be crying.

Until next time…brb crying :’)

nins & arns
Previous

046: "sunflowers" by harry baker / heated rivalry
Next

044: filipino american smithsonian exhibit / fighting with my husband