015: hammy pt 2 / death to our 20s
Nins wraps up our Hamilton tour of tears with Act 2 of the hit musical. Arns pays tribute to our past selves with the help of her sister Mios' zine, The Liminal Spaces.
Content warning: grief, loss
referenced in this episode:
"One Last Time" performed by Christopher Jackson, Lin-Manuel Miranda
"Burn" performed by Phillipa Soo
"It's Quiet Uptown" performed by Renée Elise Goldsberry, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Phillipa Soo
"Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story" performed by the Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton
0:00 - Intro
5:09 - Nins: Hamilton Act 2
34:10 - Arns: Mios' zine
52:46 - Outro
summary
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(00:00) hi I'm Angela Non, I'm Ariana Kempis and this is brb [Music] crying hello everyone welcome back to BRB crying I'm Ariana also known as Arns and I'm Angela also known as Nins and we are gathered here today ooh sorry visceral reaction to celebrate a cry that we had yeah that's what we got and that's all we got thanks for joining us thanks for joining us see you next week we'll be back I don't know what else you want me to say I know like how much more do you have to demand from us actually yeah why don't I first explain what this little
(00:58) thing is here on the couch the Uncle B package yep yeah I have an uncle Bezos package here sitting next to me and that is because everyone's favorite crybaby just turned another year older that was beautiful thank you I don't even know what I was going for there but I would like to give you your birthday gift who me happy birthday thanks dear ARS okay what is this this yes sick Bro these are headphones uh to all you crybabies listening my headphones are [ __ ] they are just the little white Apple ones and funny thing when you listen to audio on
(01:53) them which I do multiple hours a day it sounds like you're underwater so oh what an upgrade thank you yeah you're welcome listeners you have to understand that for the last 14 episodes ARS has been using the jankiest the jankiest headphones to edit all of our wonderful episodes all of our reels she could barely hear it herself wow what a gift okay I'm going to put it on wow what do you think she's an official podcast producer now yeah look at her thanks nin you're welcome Happy Birthday I'm really excited about
(02:37) this and it's funny cuz I don't usually ask for things you know MH but I needed this one yeah I knew you needed them thanks n you're welcome beautiful gift I really appreciate this WOW should we start every every episode with a gift that we give each other as long as I'm next week I I mean that would make sense but you could give me another gift thank you you're welcome how are you how you doing uh I'm fine can't complain how about you I'm pretty good okay yeah lot going on but nothing I can't handle there you go there you go
(03:21) yeah so I mean I guess I should just plug everything uh with absolutely no transition so please sign up for our substack Linked In the show notes Link in BIO beby crying. podcast on all socials we got the Weekly Newsletter going mhm it's a ride yeah it's fun I think it's really fun yeah yeah it's a nice little creative writing exercise yeah you know mhm I mean I sobbed when I read your did you I did I cried um yeah is that what your story is today my story I'm like then what then what happened oh my god um but yeah so please sign up for
(04:07) our newsletter another announcement for any of you who happen to be located here in the SF Bay Area we are going to be at undiscovered SF this Saturday October 19 and we will link it in the show notes and we will also blast it on socials all the details but we are going to be at a table there in collaboration with my sister Alexa's business curated Cultura and we also link that in the show notes but it'll be a fun time so stop by say hi the theme is self-care so come maybe have a little cry with us I don't know
(04:49) yeah just saying bring your tissues yeah and I think that's all I got do you have anything else no I don't I think we are good to go okay let's fre and rock and roll let's let's rock and roll and what are you going to talk about this week I have no idea should I build it up cuz I know you're sitting there in suspense because you did not mention it last week all right well last week I had the honor of recounting to you my beloved crybabies act one of the greatest musical of all time Hamilton we spent time going over
(05:38) some background of the musical we talked about how both arens and I were obsessed over it when it first came out and then I went through the entire plot of act one and all the parts that made me cry and to be honest that was just a little teaser a little orve okay just a little appetizer for what was to come in act two which is what we will be covering today so if you aren't cut up go back and listen to last week's episode well go back and watch the freaking musical first of all if you have not already then listen to our
(06:18) episode a lot of homework today guys and once you've done all that you will now be ready for us to dive into act two okay all right let's do it so quick recap of where we left off the Continental Army wins the Revolutionary War against Britain Alexander Hamilton is a decorated war hero he helps form this new nation it's called the United States she's kind of Indie I don't know if you've heard of her yeah he accepts the role as Secretary of Treasury under George Washington and he's a married to Eliza and together they have a son named
(07:00) Phillip the First Act ends with Alexander still very hungry to get to work and take on these roles of power and significance all the while leaving behind his wife and his son so act two opens up with introducing one of Alexander's many political Rivals Thomas Jefferson and once Thomas and Alexander are working together in the same cabinet under George Washington there is this immediate dislike it's giving enemies it's giving Rivals okay and although Hamilton is very much George Washington's right-hand man Alexander still feels this immense
(07:47) pressure to get this [ ] boring ass financial plan through such a boore you know what I mean oh my God I don't [ ] care what's in it all you need to know is that he really needs Thomas Jefferson to be like okay fine I'll approve it m and Tommy J is like [ ] no I'm not [ ] approving this Tommy J and Georgie dub was like well Alex these nicknames you better [ ] work you got to get this [ ] approved I don't care how you do it you need to get this through and approved by the government yeah so of course Alexander
(08:28) throws himself into his job and chooses to work throughout the summer while his wife and son go on vacation mhm and back then vacations lasted a whole [ ] season as they should now you know what I mean like two weeks PTO who I don't know who that is that's what it should be months months you know so yeah they're gone for the whole season mhm so here Alexander finds himself a little stressed a little under duress mhm and very very lonely poor Al so what does Al do what does this piece of [ ] do he starts an
(09:16) affair but he doesn't just start any Affair no he starts an affair with a woman who has an awful husband and said awful husband finds out about this little arrangement and then starts extorting Hamilton for money to keep the extramarital relationship a secret I love it the worst part ah not the worst part I beg to differ I love this song but this is an awful part in the musical but my God an incredible song Oh God this is your favorite song huh I I don't know if it's my favorite but it's the most fun for me okay to
(09:57) like play and seeing you know sure absolutely I haven't slept in a week I was weak stop us you know what I mean Jesus okay so more boring politics happens Hamilton he gets his little plan through Aaron Burr is like oh man how did he do that I want to do cool things too bait him so Burr runs for the Senate okay and Tommy J and Hamilton's rivalry get continues to grow and Tommy J is like you know what [ __ ] this I cannot keep working with him he has way too much influence over our President George Washington so like I'm just going to run
(10:45) for president yeah [ ] it so there is a song where George Washington who has truly been like a father figure for Alexander this whole time he tells Alexander that not only is Thomas Jefferson running for president but that he himself George Washington is stepping down from the role This song is called one last time and honestly I think this is my favorite song of the whole musical yeah God I [ ] love this song so much and you know what I was thinking I was thinking that last week I was a little too easy on you easy on me yeah what do
(11:29) you mean because I didn't make you rewatch the songs that I was talking about it's okay I I no here's the thing I know that we both know this musical like the back of our handh but I want to get us in the mindset you know what I mean so I'm going to play this song for you yeah honestly I think it's my favorite too really he's he's just so his oh God oh my God okay let's do it let's [ __ ] do it okay all right well we just brought arms back to that place we just played one last time we just watched it on Disney
(12:10) plus and like I mentioned this is my favorite song in the whole Musical one because it's [ __ ] gorgeous but to me the the meaning of the song is so powerful and I think it's because I personally have always been fascinated by the concept of leadership what makes a good leader and more interestingly what makes certain people think that they are worthy to take on that role that they deserve that role is it ego is it Charisma and what are the leadership styles that have been the most effective and most impactful and the most
(13:12) remembered in history like are there just some people that are born with this extraordinary character and maybe this has been on my mind because for the last several years now we have gotten used to living in I hate to say it unprecedented times but there is so much unrest in this world and so much divide and a lot of genuine concern for our safety it's been a long time since a lot of us have ever felt truly safe under the leadership of our government but even on a smaller scale in our own immediate lives we are
(14:08) so often coming to the realization that the people who hold power and influence over us our bosses our teachers or even the celebrities that we like and follow they're all flawed now I am not saying that the real George Washington was a perfect Leader by any means he owned slaves I was just going to say slave owner he authorized the destruction of indigenous Villages he was not a Flawless man nor does he leave behind a Flawless Legacy but solely through the context and lens of this musical and this song in particular where George Washington is
(15:04) telling Alexander Hamilton of his plans to retire and asking Hamilton to draft this Farewell Address to me it is one of Washington's greatest acts of leadership to recognize that he has done enough that he has fulfilled his role as is the leader to such an extent that this thing that he fought for and created and led it can now move on and prosper without him that to me is the ultimate sign of a true leader and uh I don't know it's just nice to see every once in a while it is so rare unfortunately yeah [Applause] yeah okay well great
(16:06) [Music] song Moving On so Washington retires and now that Hamilton no longer has Washington in his pocket Hamilton's political career starts to go a little hay R he's even more vocal about his opinions and he becomes a little bit of a loose cannon mhm and Tommy Jay and his cronies basically threaten him and they're like hey by the way we know you've been [ __ ] that girl and like paying off her husband so don't undermine me again or I'm telling everyone I'm telling exactly yeah so Hamilton responds to this Threat by doing the second stupidest
(17:00) [ ] thing he's ever done in his [ ] life and he decides to write a little pamphlet telling anybody who would listen about his affair and the money he sent his mistress's husband stupid so [ ] worst the worst yeah okay could have done without This truly truly so the man is a pariah after this is released I mean political career over dreams of becoming president goodbye the Scandal it was too much it's too much now and these were the people that were afraid of ankles so how the [ ] are they going to process this right so the
(17:45) whole town is a gas and then we cut to Eliza's reaction to all of this I mean imagine your husband publicly humiliates himself humiliates you and your family so she sings the song Burn where she's burning all of the letters that Hamilton ever wrote her and denounces him and their marriage and it is a song of Anguish and heartbreak and anger and this is a man who throughout their entire marriage marage has constantly put her second and when I tried to imagine what that must have felt like I thought about how for me in the
(18:45) deepest corners of my mind I can get really dark thoughts about myself and my biggest fear is that someone would validate these awful things that I think by thinking them too mhm and I just can't imagine what it must have felt like to always feel overlooked by your husband and then have that fear not only validated but then validated so publicly and the part that kills me when she's burning all of these letters is when she says I'm erasing myself from The Narrative let future historians wonder how Eliza reacted when you broke
(19:36) her heart I think when people become these public Figures it's so easy to dehumanize them and view them as entertainment and gossip and really like Relish in their pain and the fact that she really did actually burn those letters was her way of saying like I don't owe you the public you history anything right now and I just I can't imagine having to Grapple with that while also just dealing with the downfall of your marriage on top of it we are not a fan of Alexander at this point we are not dude I mean wait sorry
(20:24) can I just say oh yeah yeah please um Julia Herman performance of burn in the SF cast mhm the way her voice breaks oh God uh I could cry just imagining her yeah singing it yeah it's interesting because I've seen so many shows and um so many Renditions of the song Burn and yeah the ones that are the most meaningful to me me are those performers that are able to combine both the pain and the anger MH through their voice it just hurts that much more oh yeah you know yeah so yeah Alexander's kind of ass right now like we're not a fan we're not
(21:24) and honestly no one is he's become basically a laughing stalk and his career is never really able to recover from it but his son Phillip who is 19 at this point is in the midst of trying to become a man and he really does love his father he really does look up to Hamilton and because of this Scandal Phillip has to constantly defend his name and his honor a lot and unfortunately some random ass nameless ass loser starts trolling Hamilton in public as if I'm not [ __ ] trolling him on my podcast but Phillip is like
(22:14) bro I can't stand for that that's my dad so Phillip challenges troll to a duel because this is the only way to squash beef back then no the talking huh yeah no working things out no no no no no no the only option is that one of us has to die yeah and very very sadly Philip Hamilton is the one who does not make it out of the stool alive all because this 19-year-old boy wanted to defend his father's name and both Hamilton and Eliza were at his bedside when Phillip died from his wounds and in their grief while Eliza is
(23:05) Wailing over Philip's body Hamilton puts his hand over Eliza's and even through her tears she still pulls her hand away from him there's just too much anger there to let him in in that moment so now we have entered the lowest point in Alexander's life and this is all captured through the song it's quiet Uptown you know I have to play it oh no you know I have to play it for you we got to get in the mindset okay let's go like you just had to start the clip right when he when he died we didn't even start the song yet
(24:05) and I was already [ ] crying when I watched this two weeks ago and I got to this point I was level 9 I paused I was like whoa whoa whoa we're not moving on yet I'm going to pause this and I'm going to cry about this for 5 minutes because it's too much what what the [ ] yeah [ ] this song honestly the worst [ ] song in the musical okay so in the song The Hamiltons move up town as they grapple with the worst pain imaginable the death of their child and in his grief Alexander becomes a different person no longer fighting for attention
(25:03) no longer trying to have the last say he becomes quiet and he spends his days walking through the city imagining talking to his son and then the song transitions to Hamilton talking to Eliza Eliza walks out and she's wearing wearing this black coat and her face is blank she's not looking at Hamilton and she's just standing there paralyzed in her grief and Hamilton is singing to her begging just begging for her forgiveness I'm just going to [ __ ] read the lyrics Because what what are the use of my summaries there is a Grace too power F
(25:59) to name we push away what we can never understand we push away the unimaginable there standing in the garden Alexander by Eliza's side she takes his hand it's quiet up town and as Eliza reaches for Alexander's hand Alexander is reduced to tears I mean just sobbing and and the company in the back sings forgiveness can you imagine oh my God again if you aren't throwing up crying watching this scene I know you're suppressing some major [ __ ] okay stop lying to yourself we all know what it's like to hold on to anger and hurt and
(27:00) sadness and as heavy as those things are to carry it's almost addictive we struggle so hard to let that goh and after a while the thought of forgiveness is unimaginable and there's just no words to describe the type of strength Eliza had to be able to do that to forgive him better than me babe let me tell you yeah I can't say I would have done the same yeah I mean like I don't know but you know what we're getting towards the end here okay yeah we're wrapping this up wrap it up okay so we now find ourselves at another presidential
(27:54) election year what's that like uh and this time it's between Aaron Burr and Thomas Jefferson and as we know Aaron Burr has really just been lurking around the background this entire play NPC wanting to be in the room where it all happens but just not having that star quality you know and he's again a very fickle dude doesn't really have any strong opinions on anything he just wants to be in a position of power so despite Hamilton's major rivalry towards Thomas Jefferson Hamilton chooses to endorse Tommy J over Aaron bur thus granting
(28:40) Jefferson the presidency so instead of going to therapy Aaron Burr is like you know what that's [ ] it I have hated you for the past 2 hours and 20 minutes of this [ ] musical we got to wrap it up yeah so would you like to duel mhm not talk it out fight to the death yeah not just move on no no no and so they duel and Aaron bur shoots and Alexander meets his death at 47 years old and that's how the world remembers Aaron Burr after he shoots Alexander he sings history obliterates and every picture it paints
(29:29) it paints me in all my mistakes now I'm the villain in your history I know that if we look at this musical by itself it's really easy to look at a character like Aaron Burr whom I've been [ ] [ ] on this whole episode MH and just reduce him to one dimension he was jealous he was weak he was a coward but the truth is we don't really know who he was and that's the cruelty of History we don't get to decide how we'll be remembered once we're gone and the finale of this whole musical really emphasizes this point so let's watch
(30:20) it let's watch the end do you know how many times I had to rewatch these songs to put the story together uh again it sounds like your [ __ ] fault no one made you do that all right so this finale brings back all of our major characters and they are summarizing all of the things that Hamilton achieved throughout his life and why is it that we you and me today in the year of Our Lord 2024 even know about this who made sure who made sure that we [Music] remember you find out in the song that it was
(31:24) Eliza she put herself back in The Narrative and she spends the next 50 years of her life ensuring that all the work Hamilton did would never be forgotten and in this song she's singing to Hamilton about all the things that she did during this time she interviewed soldiers who fought in the War she published his writings she spoke out against slavery she continues his legacy and then she tells him about her proudest achievement she starts this private orphanage in New York City and she does this on her own for herself and then finally finally after
(32:18) 50 years Eliza and Alexander are reunited in death and the musical ends with Hamilton showing her the Legacy that she's left behind and she looks out into the audience and gasps in wonder who the [ ] Lyn okay you realize that Eliza is the hero of this story if it weren't for her there wouldn't be this [ ] musical people wouldn't remember his life in such detail and I'll just end with saying that Alexander Hamilton is Remembered in
(33:23) history as a person who was larger than life a force to be reckoned with his life was big and full and loud but your own life doesn't need to be big and full and loud to be just as significant and just as worthy of being remembered I'm going to be honest like we could transition beautifully into segment now if we wanted to I mean the connection is there [Music] okay okay I'm ready hey [ ] me up [ ] you up okay so bit of a pivot not a musical okay okay as you could have guessed I wasn't going to
(34:26) follow up your Musical story and now we will talk about Wicked you imagine um so today I'm actually going to talk to you about a little project started by one of my sisters mios it's a Zen and it's called the linal spaces okay and I'm sure as I go through this you will draw a couple of parallels and then you can sum up at the end how our story is connected they always do we are able to pull something out of our butts please please all right so honestly I'm just going to go straight into the context let's [ __ ] go yeah
(35:13) so context so for all of you crybabies who don't know me personally mios is one of my husband's two younger sisters we are not blood related but for the past 15 years we've been sisters in every sense of the word and to give you a highle sense of what she's like since I can't paint her whole life picture for you all today um a couple of episodes ago we talked about journey of Souls and when I first read about the different levels of souls I'm like okay well I'm obviously like beginner maybe intermediate and then I was like I
(35:53) wonder if I know any advanced souls and immediately I was like mios really oh my god wow yeah yes so she's younger than me but I am constantly floored by the depth of her wisdom and empathy and the way she can so effortlessly Channel both of those through her art and we were always pretty close but during the pandemic which you may or may not recall what is that yeah it was just my God it was this whole [ __ ] thing but we were quarantined together with jar and our other sister gelina just the four of us because my mother-in-law was
(36:38) stuck in the Philippines for like [ ] six months and I feel like that's when I really got to know her on a whole other level because there were so many late nights spent over I don't know if you remember like all the like all the healthcare workers who got a dozen free Krispy creams because they were our heroes for like months um so I me we had so much [ ] Crispy Cream it it was it was a little much but you know like those late night snacking and like it was during this time when I really began to see her as kind of like
(37:17) a North star of sorts jar likes to call her our spiritual adviser but she's just so aware of her truth and so accepting of your truth and you can always turn to her and know that she will guide you in the right direction when we were trying to get pregnant I honestly didn't really tell anyone I held a lot of Shame around trying and it taking kind of some time and it was just something that I was holding inside me but mios was one of the few people that I told in part because she doesn't have kids so I knew that there wasn't going to be any
(38:00) unsolicited advice about like well you should try this yeah um but she just radiates so much safety and understanding that I knew that no matter what I told her it would be received with absolutely no judgment and so much care and there was one month where I got another negative pregnancy test and she texted me out of the blue and she had gone to her local libraries book sale and she found this fortunetelling book of names and you know she opens it up my name actually happens to be in there under Ariana it says there's nothing to fear marriage
(38:42) and motherhood will suit you and she texted me that photo and she said don't cry because I already did and that's all she said and again she was one of the few people who knew what I was going through and she could have belabored the point and been like I'm so sorry you're having a hard time and I hope this makes you feel better but she intuitively knew exactly what I needed in that moment which was just Divine reassurance that this was written for me and that was all she sent me and so all of this to say these
(39:18) little examples having her in my life has just been such a gift she's taught me pretty much everything I know about embracing softness and having Grace with yourself honestly if her energy weren't so gentle and open I would probably be really intimidated by this well of wisdom because I'm like this dumb [ __ ] you know like in comparison like I that's how I feel sometimes when she's like you know she's radiating all of this and I'm just like oh my God I want to know everything that you know like I want to feel everything that you feel I
(39:54) wish I could Point somewhere and be like follow her here or go and sign up for an energy healing workshop with her but she's not one to flaunt her wisdom that's how much she transcends the rest of us lowly humans who constantly seek validation you mean she's not making a podcast no and posting about it every day no no no she is not yeah who would do that yeah so so earlier this year she told us that she was thinking of making a Zen and some of you may be asking what what pray tell is a Zen so a Zen is a self-published work
(40:36) of art that's circulated among smaller circles and there's a collage like element there's a mixture of Art and text and it's usually somewhat handmade and then stapled and then photocopied and then circulated that way in mios case it was this by the way I do have permission to be talking about this on the Pod let me let me just I'm not just like I asked her first um but in Mosa's case it was such a labor of love and again did not widely advertise it just kind of asked some close friends and family like so would you guys be
(41:15) interested and everyone's like yes so I should also mention in here incredible [ ] artist incredible [ ] writer so of course this Zen made sense and the Zen is called ainal spaces and I'm going to read a little bit about why she called it that so in this letter from the editor from her ver volume she says why the linal spaces the older I get the more I realize I love a great area the beauty of what has gotten me through the hardest parts of my life is realizing there is always a transition between what was and what
(42:00) will be life is filled with infinite chances to show up differently I could [ ] I could [ ] cry um so volume one is about grief obviously when I read it I was [ __ ] sobbing I thought about sharing it on the Pod cuz she said I was free to but it just felt very intimate and I didn't feel comfortable like Broad casting that sort of intimacy to the world so that was the spring and in August she published volume two of her Zine and I kept telling myself to read it but for some reason I kept putting it off and I felt like I had to wait like
(42:45) there was something that I was waiting for I didn't know what but I would see it I be like now's not the time now's not the time and then I just so happened to pick it up right after my birthday and so she wrote this second volume of her Zen while in the throws of her own birthday Blues so it was impeccable timing when's her birthday her birthday is August 7 okay she's Leo so the timing was impeccable and because you know I [ __ ] love a good birthday cry so um you me I guess I should say that the cover of this Zen is
(43:24) a birthday cake that says the linal spaces and the dedication is a short one this issue is dedicated to every version of myself I hold us so deeply we made it so that's the first page and it's just a collage of pictures of her throughout her childhood so yeah um anyway so there's a lot in here there's a letter from the editor and I'll let you look through this after but I wanted to talk about one of her spreads and this spread was the one that stood out the most to me the title is in loving memory and it's an epith and it's
(44:08) her photo and it's an obituary dedicated to her 20s and it says I'm just going to read the whole thing on August 7 2024 my 20s passed away peacefully in their home after an emotionally complex battle with personal expectations Complicated by a deep distrust of their own choices chronic growing pains and early onset people pleasing my 20s came Kicking and Screaming into the world in 2014 while insisting on listening to One Directions cover of teenage dirt bag at midnight quote unquote while it still applied best known for their all
(44:48) consuming depression and anxiety attacks they explored therapy in their infancy and dedicated their life to their healing Journey other notable works that came about in their introductory year include big breakup from abusive Manchild and a cult classic meeting your soulmate a star cross lover story my 20s received both a BS and Ms degree and started their professional life as an occupational therapist a source of many of the aforementioned anxiety attacks despite early burnout and disillusionment they found profound
(45:23) meeting in their work in their later years the US Healthcare System recognized my 20s for their service through the covid-19 pandemic and publicly honored them with afraid and Sun damaged Heroes work here sign outside of their workplace notable passion projects include deconstructing false images of self-worth and collapsing systems of inadequacy the damaging effects of comparison while these Works remain unfinished they have been passed down to a beneficiary who will continue this research in their mental late life they suffered
(45:59) from severe Rush bravely navigating time slipping between their fingers they had to seek care abroad resulting in traveling across 13 different countries with frequent follow-up visits Stateside my 20s pursued friendships tenaciously nurturing the love for and of these lifelong Partners these friendships are amongst their greatest accolades and are globally recognized as a once-in-a-lifetime achievement in their later years my 20's married and found themselves moving back to Marin enjoying three beautiful years together in their
(46:32) 600t corner of the world this quiet tender love has been critically acclaimed in a local capacity as their wish was to remain out of the public eye my 20s were fiercely dedicated to meeting every growing edge with Grace and witnessing the endless becoming a lifelong journey to wholeness and embodiment they ended their time here with a strong sense of self Clarity and undeniable reverence for this lifetime at the time of passing their final sentiments included It Feels Like Coming Home in Le of flowers an affirmation of love can be paid to
(47:11) yourself in the mirror in my 20s honor oh yeah so I loved this because oh it's such a sharp yet tender tribute to this clearly transformational decade in her life I would say a transformational decade for a lot of us but she holds every version of herself in such reverence while expressing it in this cheeky almost irreverent way and she closes with this idea of coming home to oneself which resonated with me because it's felt like one of the greater themes of my life especially in these past few years and I think we even talked about
(47:57) it during the last episode when Ash shared her Saab story about defining oneself by their work and I think I also said this back then too but as I grow older I found so much comfort in settling into myself and I know you've felt that too and there's so much relief at letting go of this pressure to be anything I'm not and coming home to everything that I am and I also love that she ends with in L of flowers and affirmation of love can be paid to yourself in the mirror in my 20's honor because she may have written these words
(48:35) but these feelings are for you too when we embrace our present selves which I know we all strive to do it's often at the expense of who we used to be we're so quick to say I'm so glad I'm not that person that I was before but that discounts the fact that we wouldn't be who we are now if we weren't every single version of ourselves leading up to us in the present and so for me at least this was just a a gentle nudge that you know whatever stage you're at in this life you too can pause and find Wonder and awe and where you've been and who you've
(49:16) been and you too can show yourself Grace and hold every version of yourself in love and reverence like this you know we're here we and we're alive and we're forever evolving and becoming and it's beautiful and I'll just close with she has some field notes at the end and she says this concludes volume two of the Lial spaces working on this project while going through the yearly birthday Blues was deeply reflective there was a time in my life where I didn't think I'd make it this far this is heavily juxtaposed with the
(49:55) undeniable gratitude I hold for this lifetime a lot of my 20s felt like an endless wandering but I stand at the end looking back and I see so much Beauty and fullness closing this chapter I finally feel like I'm coming home I often find myself reflecting on being the most me I've ever been at the Present Moment full body acceptance reverence and curiosity for the ongoing Mystery of Life and she says inspiration for these Pages always hits when I listening to music Here's a peek behind the curtain and she quoted Landslide by
(50:33) Fleetwood Mac never heard of it I sent her videos of me sobbing um can I sail through the changing ocean tides can I handle the seasons of my life and this little Zen this incredible work of art reminds us that we can and we do and that's all I [ __ ] got wow yeah MOS so many things that she said in her obituary is applicable to all of us and I don't know that when I turned 30 I took the time to reflect and honor what I had gone through let alone make something so beautiful out of that experience I feel like a lot of us
(51:34) just are so distracted by the next thing mhm that we forget to just Relish in it for a little bit yeah yeah that's an advanced Soul that's the [ ] Advanced Soul if I've ever seen one yeah you know how they say that advanced souls are a little bit more withdrawn and reserved and they're not flaunting yeah uh they're just here to guide the rest of us mhm um if you don't know what the [ ] we're talking about uh why haven't you listened to episode 13 yet episode 13 baby um yeah that doesn't sound like me so and that's fine I I've accepted that
(52:24) I got a lot of [ __ ] work to do yeah that's okay so thank God for people like M these Souls that truly like what a gift to intersect lives with happy birthday mios happy birthday mios you are a real one okay okay I'm going to say that we did it we probably did it we like 85% did it I think I would say 95 we're almost almost there right all right bring us to that Finish Line Arns okay um well thanks for listening to the tears to the BS and everything in between mhm follow us on socials beb crying. podcast rate
(53:15) review subscribe five stars only again the math is not mathing lots of listeners not as many reviews so let's let's think about that um no but seriously thank you for listening and please subscribe to our substock in the show notes and Link in our bio and if there's any recommendations that you have for us that you would love us to cover in a future episode or if there is something that made you cry and you are looking for a space to share that we would love to be those ears for you truly truly truly that is the space that
(53:59) we're creating here you are always going to be at home here your feelings are always going to be home here so don't be shy we're around send us those S stories and that's [ ] it and that's [ ] it all right it's time to go yeah let's wrap this up go for now but then we're going to come back I think yeah but until then brb crying [Music]
Until next time…brb crying :’)